Let me start this post out by saying some incredibly small minded folks have decided to use the information in this blog to come to a decision of how horrible of a person I am. What they don't realize is that this blog is not all for me - it is for the many women out there who didn't know and/or don't know their self worth. I let myself be mistreated for a very long time (including recently) for some reasons that weren't my fault and some reasons that were my fault. It this blog can help even 1 person, then what I set out to do has been accomplished. I am NOT writing this to show how I've been victimized and therefore am a victim - I am writing this to show other young woman and even older women that they are NOT alone and they don't have to be ashamed of what has happened in their lives, that they can let go and they can move on. If you small minded, pathetic people don't get that and would rather bad mouth me and my experiences - you are only contributing to the very reason women allow themselves to be used, manipulated, abused, blamed and hurt. Get a clue.
Moving on:
At one point I even ended up with Mild dysphasia of the cervix – meaning pre-cancerous cells forming in my cervix. I had to have a biopsy (where they cut, burn or freeze out the cancerous/deformed cells) and have the cells removed. It was embarrassing and painful.
At this point I couldn’t even tell you how many men I had been with, I stopped counting long ago. What I can tell you is no matter how many, what type of man, what we did or how long I was with them – I NEVER found happiness. The “joy” was only temporary – A woman always wants to feel like they are desired and loved, but real desire and love can only come from a man who is fully dedicated to you and YOU ALONE.
Ladies, you will NOT find love, happiness, peace, joy and stability by giving yourself to men outside of a committed, loving relationship. You will NOT. There are no if's, and's or buts about it…. If you give yourself to a man without the true definition of love – you will end up hurt, alone, suffering and miserable every single time. Trust me, I know.
This is Love:
1 Corinthians 13:4-74 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and never fails.
Don’t listen to what society would lead you to believe about one night stands, free love, casual sex, booty calls, homie-lover-friends. It is not true and if you think for one moment about how you felt after you gave yourself to someone undeserving – not how you felt physically, but how you felt emotionally and spiritually – you will find yourself disappointed every time. Even if you convince yourself you should for him, because he's your child's father, or because he did something nice for you, or to keep him around - or ANY reason other than he loves you and ONLY YOU!
I can’t stress this enough – and if you have given yourself to someone undeserving – dust yourself of, remind yourself of what you really want in life and what the Lord wants for you, ask forgiveness and start anew again. (Interestingly enough, I wrote all this before all the stupidity that happened this last week. Ironic.)
All those years I thought I was just fine and these were just the choices I made and if you didn’t like it, oh well.
But you see when you start doing self destructive behavior – that is your psyche and soul telling you that you are NOT fine.
I started gaining a little weight back and at some point I thought of a brilliant idea to take massive amounts of laxatives and just rid my body of all the crap I was putting into it. I honestly didn’t know that this idea was not my own or that it fell in the bulimia world. I knew making yourself vomit did, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to rot out my teeth…. But being sick on a toilet several times a day I was ok with. I would take about 30 laxatives at a time, everyday, sometimes more. At first it wasn’t too bad on my body, but over time I started getting really ill. I was weak, had bad skin coloring and would vomit without making myself. I was dying – slowly killing myself again, just in a different way.
My mom knew and prayed for me constantly, but I was on a path that only God could heal.
In 1992 I got pregnant, but since I was so hard on my body I ended up losing the baby at 13 weeks. It was devastating. I had done so much damage to my body, I wasn’t sure I could even carry a child after this happened.
I was still in stupid relationship after stupid relationship….. And still was with everyone else as well. There were a couple a guys that I was more loyal too, but really I didn’t trust any of them, so why be completely loyal?
There was one time that I was driving to
and left his behind there stranded! I couldn’t believe he slapped me! Trippin! Lol
Anyway, shortly after that I found out he had got some girl pregnant and gave her the ring he had got me that I had given back to him…. Tacky. She was a sweet girl though and she and I kept in touch for a while.
Because I was so shady myself with men, there was always drama. As I said before, broken windshields, guns, stalking, threats, chocking, just all dumb. But at the time, that’s how I was living - so even though I knew it was the best idea – it was what it was.
In 1993 I got pregnant with my son Jacob and as soon as I found out – this time all things changed. I couldn’t keep destroying my body as it wasn’t just my body now. I didn’t care if Jacob’s father was around or not, actually I didn’t want him around at that time – we were young, he had a
Subjecting myself to Street thinking was no longer an option. My only option was caring for this baby. And that’s what I did. I moved back in with my parents and focused on Jacob. My parents have always been very supportive and loving to me no matter what dumb thing I did or was doing. I mean, they weren’t always happy with me, but I never had to question whether or not they loved me. And they NEVER stopped praying for me.
I isolated myself from all of those that were a part of my previous lifestyle. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to be around them. I held on to a handful of friends who weren’t in that lifestyle. I had quite a bit of support actually, from friends, parents, church friends, etc.
My belief in Christ never wavered, but my behavior did. One thing I can tell you is that even when you give up on yourself, He is always there waiting for you to come back.
For a couple years I dedicated my life and my son’s life to Him. I didn’t see or even talk to a man at all from 5/1994 to 12/1996. I couldn’t, I didn’t trust myself and I sure as heck didn’t trust them.
After awhile though, I got lonely. I had moved into my own place with Jacob and we were…alone. I still had friends, my parents, etc. But I really longed to be loved. But I didn’t know how. All I knew was all (sex) or nothing (no sex). And let’s face it that is how society displays life. If you have a man, you have sex. If you don’t have a man, you have sex. You pretty much just have sex. It’s everywhere, radio, TV, Magazines, billboards…. “Free Love Man” …… Yeah right, nothing is free.
Eventually, I feel back into the same habits, not like it was before. I wanted one man, one commitment, one love. Men, however, did not. I was 25 and there was no man (that I knew of at least) that wanted to settle down with me and a child. I mean some tried, but showed me clues of me not being the only one – or when things got too close; I called it off (intimacy issues). I ran back into Jacob’s father one day, he told me that he missed me and wanted to see his son. He was older and I was ready for him to see Jacob. He came around for a little while, but he was still pretty much in the streets. He spent the night one time – then he vanished. I didn’t know then that he was heavy into drugs and that was his norm. A month later I found out I was pregnant with Jonah. Which was ok, I really wanted another baby; Lord knows I didn’t trust men, so I’ll do this by myself, again.
I went back to not trying to hang out with men, I didn’t want to harm my baby and I didn’t want Jacob to see random people in the house. But again, I was alone. A friend of mine was seeing a guy I went to high school with. I asked him how his brother was doing (who also went to school with us) and he told me to ask him myself.
I started to talking to this man, he was funny, a little shady, but cool. I was 4 months pregnant with Jonah but he didn’t care. He wasn’t driving sex down my throat but would actually come over and just hang out. Don’t get me wrong, he asked – but he didn’t pressure. One night he called me around midnight, totally freaked out because he and his girl had got into a huge fight. He asked me to come pick him up in
I have to laugh now because here was this man, actually a dang fool, hiding in a bush from Lord only knows what…. He jumps in my car, lays the seat back to a laying position and whispers, “drive, drive”! I said, “What in the world did you do???” He said he and his girl got into an argument and he grabbed her car keys and car then hid the keys in the bushes so she couldn’t leave the house…. Ahhhhhhhh, and that was hurting her how? He didn’t quite know, but he knew it would make her mad…..
Good grief. He and I kept a pretty good friendship, it was generally me bailing him out of ridiculous situations like above, but nothing where me or my kids where at risk – just him being young and stupid. **note to self and others – although he and I have a good relationship now – there were years of turmoil, stress, rage, drama, jail, DV, all of that.
If you meet someone who you have to bail out – for any reason – RUN. He may not be doing whatever it is he’s doing to you now – but he will, in time.
Don’t fall for the poor me, I’m a victim crap. 9 times out of 10 – it is BS! Here are some examples:
I have a mean girlfriend who’s crazy. LIE (and yes, they do all say that)
I have to live with my baby momma because she’s not a good parent and I don’t want to leave my kid with her. LIE
I can’t leave her because she’s crazy and will do something to hurt me or you, LIE
I just live there, we don’t sleep together. LIE
I love you, I just need time to clear things up, straighten things up, stabilize, blah, blah, blah. LIE
If this man is truly into you, truly loves you, truly wants you – there would be NO OTHER WOMAN, GIRL, BABY MAMA or whatever– for any reason. PERIOD.
A real man would not keep a relationship with someone and work on a new one at the same time. PERIOD
A real man does not have to hide his phone, hide his home, hide his family, and hide his kids. In a mutual loving, trusting and committed relationship – there are no secrets and there are no “others”. PERIOD
Ladies, do NOT let a man convince you that you are crazy because you react to injustices. Your mind and bodies are made to react to danger. It's called fight or flight. You are NOT wrong for feeling, you are not wrong for having emotions and you are not wrong for reacting. How you react is within your control and that is what you are responsible for, not for the feeling of emotions of fight or flight.
Men, if you're bringing on serious emotional reactions out of women and then blaming them for having an emotional reaction..... think about why they are reacting. If you are, at any time, saying that she is crazy - YOU are the problem. A real man would would not just place all the blame on you, he would see how you both contributed to the situation -and work it out from there.
