2/14/12
At the end of the day, Tami had an answer – He liked me, well ok, he said he didn’t know me, but would like to…. Wooooo hooooo!
I could hardly believe it, he was interested in me? Me???? Wow! Ok, ok, get your bearings, I thought. But, now what in the world do I do with this information? Does he call me (no cell phones in those days kids), do I call him, do I write him a note (we did a lot of note writing before texting was around kids)? Tami gave him my number and he called me that night.
We talked about our lives, who we lived with, who are friends were, all that stuff. I remember being kinda shy, but he was easy to talk to so that passed fast. He seemed like such a nice guy, sweet, funny, nice family, polite, cute J…….
He asked me if I had ever had sex, I wasn’t quite sure what to say. When MW and I talked about it, I had said that I wanted to wait until I was married – I really wasn’t interested in sex at all…. I like boys, and that was about it… liked them, holding hands, maybe a small kiss – nothing else.
I told MA that I had sex before, I guess so I didn’t feel like such a little twerp girl. So dumb, there is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin. As a matter of fact, it’s a great thing! But I said I wasn’t L
MA and I talked on the phone every night, we talked at school, we wrote notes – he told me about his “ex”girlfriend LR (whom I’m pretty sure hates me to this day, lol). He said that they had broken up, but she still liked him. Me, being naïve, was like… oh, ok (later on that would prove to be an issue….)
MA asked if he could come over some time, I asked my parents and they said yes. I wasn’t allowed to have boys in my room so we hung out in the family room, me, MA, my mom and dad…. Funny when I think about it now.
For whatever reason, my parents wanted to go get ice-cream and asked if we wanted to go, we said no, we’d just say there.
My parents left and MA and I watched videos on BET with Donnie Simpson J
MA asked if I wanted to make out… ahhhh, “sure” I said…. But inside I’m thinking, OH CRAP! Make out? I’ve never made out, I don’t know how to make out! I’ve never even had my first real kiss (unless you count the kiss I stole from a neighbor boy when I was 5).
MA sat very close to me on the daybed type couch we had….. Full force was playing on BET… omg, omg, omg, my heart is racing, he’s touching me, kissing me…. What do I do?
MA asked if we could “do it”.
I said, “no, I’m not ready”.
“But you’ve done it before”, he said.
I said, “I’m still not ready.”
He took off my top and I thought, ok I think I can handle this.
He tried to take off my pants and I told him no. He said that he wasn’t going to do anything, only take them off. So I let him.
He tried to take of my underwear and I said no, but he kept trying, I kept saying no.
He kept telling me it would be ok, and I kept saying no.
I didn’t want to do this anymore, I wasn’t ready. I liked him, I really liked him. Why is he pushing me like this? I thought he really liked me too?
Eventually, he just took it. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t ready. It didn’t matter that I said no. It didn’t matter that it hurt so bad. All that mattered was that he got what he wanted.
He jumped up afterwards and saw all the blood. I just wanted him to leave. I felt dirty, ashamed, embarrassed, and awkward. My God, I was only 15. It was my very first kiss, which was exciting – that led to my first time, which was stolen.
See Satan does that to you, he steals your innocence and then blames it on you. That’s where shame comes in – This was not my fault, but for years to come I would think it was.
I put on my clothes, tried to clean up the blood and he left.
My parents came home about a half hour later. I was just quiet.
