Monday came and I went to school. S saw me in the hall way and said Hi but I ignored him. I didn’t want to even look at him or his cousin – but there we all were in center all. I’m guessing they assumed I would just be ok with the situation that night – but then again why was it a sneak attack. Later that day, S came up to me and said, “What’s your problem?” What was my problem, is he serious? So is this just how things go down, you jump me and I’m supposed to be fine with it? After a while, I just had to let it go – I wasn’t going to escape him, I wasn’t going to escape what happened and I couldn’t fix it either. So, ignore I did.
When you’re young, and heck, even when you’re old sometimes – you don’t realize how things impact your life. You think to yourself, why am I doing this or that – why do I make the decisions that I do. You don’t want to make these unhealthy, unwise decisions- but you do anyway.
I stayed celibate for quite a while after that. I didn’t trust men, I didn’t trust myself. I got more involved with my youth group and became really good friends with the teens there. We hung out, we talked, we went to camp, we went to Sunday school and Wednesday night youth group. It felt good. I started watching my calories and lost 40 pounds as well.
After I graduated, I got a job at Farrell’s and Fred Meyer. I was still celibate but was getting a lot of attention from men. I really didn’t know what to do what all that attention. I tried to go to Community College, but I didn’t really want to be there and I wasn’t committed, so I dropped out. My poor parents, I put them through so much.
Now that I was an adult, there were no more youth group, friends went off to college and I was left with way too much free time and only work to do.
So, I was seeing a few guys – no sex – I was too scared. Yet these guys played the same games with me even without it. They a) talked about it non stop b) I would find out later they were already seeing someone else or had a girlfriend c) were immature little boys. Don’t get me wrong – I had a couple really nice boyfriends, who were kind, caring, gentlemen – and I could barely stand them! Again, trauma impacts you in ways that you don’t realize for many years.
I eventually feel back into the same trap of needing to be loved but seeing my self worth as only good for sex. Some of these guys I liked a lot and I often would have liked to be someone’s girlfriend, but, and I’m going to say that straight for what it’s worth – If a woman gives a man all they have of themselves without barely knowing them or having a committed relationship – the man will treat you as a playtoy. There is no loyalty, there is no love, there is no trust – it is only sex. Women often try to convince themselves that this lust is love because we need and want to be loved and wanted so desperately.
I ended up having a boyfriend named D – at first he was cool about the no sex thing. But that didn’t last long and because he was my actual boyfriend I gave into him. 2 weeks later I discovered I had a STD. Great. I removed myself from that “relationship”. Unfortunately, that one time gave into lots of times. Girls – It’s always easier to say NO, if you have never said YES.
Without really knowing it then – I hated men and I hated myself even more. I suddenly had this revelation that I was going to screw over as many men as I could get away with. And at 19, it seemed logical.
I had anywhere from 2 to 6 boyfriends at the same time, not including the ones that I just was with for one night.
I would go cruising downtown, or up and down 15th and MLK looking for men to add to my conquest. I’d be out with my girls, see a cute guy, tell them to get into the car and that would be that. Sometimes we would go to their house, or their friends’ house or a hotel. Almost every time I would take a man to a house – I would leave in the middle of the night stranding them where ever we were. I mean, that’s what they get right?
There were a few men that I really like and I was more dedicated to them, but I still was with all the others as well. Most of the guys that were one nighters, (only term I can think of) I never even knew their name, I’m sure they told me it but I didn’t bother to remember. I didn’t ask them any questions; I didn’t know what they were about, where they lived, where they worked, nothing. The less I knew the better.
Didn’t I get busted you ask? Yes I did. I got choked once, had a rock thrown at my windshield and shattered it, threatened to be killed several times, stalked, stolen from, cheated on, a gang tattoo and left at a hotel myself – naked and alone missing money and lucky my car was a stick or it would have been gone too (I was informed of this later in life).
Since I still struggle with my feelings toward men – I don’t feel too guilty for the behavior against them. But, I feel absolutely terrible about what I did to my friends.
I had wonderful friends, loyal, trust worthy, loving and would do anything for me. However, since my mind was so screwed up with trauma I ended up hurting them the most. I would intentionally try to get their boyfriends attention and once I did, I slept with them. Not everyone, but there were many. I was underhanded, sneaky and callous. I was well on my way to becoming a person who truly was - unlovable.
To all my friends whom I did that too (I know you know who you are), I am so very sorry. It was inexcusable, please forgive me.
This type of behavior is no different then self mutilation, the same with drugs and alcohol. Any type of destructive, habitual behavior is self mutilation. Inside you don’t feel worthy of life – so although you don’t commit suicide, you are slowly killing yourself.
I didn’t care who I was with, if it was dangerous or if I was safe. I was shot at (many times), threatened (many times), in drive bys, in drug deals, in many car accidents – I was anywhere that I shouldn’t be.
