Fragile Self Esteem

I always thought I was fat growing up….. Now that I’m older I realize I really wasn’t fat, I was just bigger than most of the other girls in my class and that’s because I was older (I took first grade twice since I cheated my way through the first year of first grade…oops).

Fascinating really, I was the type of kid who was very independent, extremely self assured and ready to take on the world…. Then I went to school.  All the work that my parents put into me to be proud of myself, who I was, what I was, all I was in every way – mattered not once enrolled into school.  Kindergarten seemed fine….but 1^st grade and up is a trial on a young woman’s life.

  **Key Note – Parents, ask you kids everyday how their day was and pry for more if you only get “fine”.  Ask what good happened, what upsetting happened, what they learned, what they wish they would have or could have learned etc.  Get to know them on their level.  Talk though tough situations with them, advise them on how to handle it when and/or if it happens again.  They may say, “Mom/Dad I know”…. Or “that won’t work”, but trust me when I tell you that they will remember and they will use those skills you are teaching them.  Remind them of how beautiful and special they are, talk about their talents, what you admire about them, what you’ve  been told by others about what they admire about them.  Take the time to listen…. Yes, even when they are only 5 and 6 – they still have these feelings and thoughts. J

So, here I go to school, all jazzed up and ready to take on the world.  I was used to things coming pretty easy to me so the second I had to stop and think and, God forbid, memorize something…. on top of the self esteem being tested, things got tough.  I struggled through school, passing yes, but barely.  I wouldn’t let my parents help me with homework (being too independent) and I hurt inside thinking I was fat, I wasn’t as pretty as the other girls, I had ugly toes (yes a girl told me that and I STILL remember it). 

My mom and dad lost a business around that same time so we were pretty poor as well – not fun.  I often wore hand-me-down clothes either from my cousins or from the Goodwill.  Ya know, I don’t remember that really being an issue, I was happy to get the clothes – I only remember not being “as good” as the other kids.

I soon learned that humor helped in many situations, risk being silly and foolish and not care what someone thinks of you.  I still hurt on the inside, but at least I was learning how to deal on the outside.

In 5^th grade I started exerting some of my new found strength on occasion, testing it out if you will…. Standing up for the little guy to some bullies, snapping back to the popular girl when she snapped at me (seems trivial, but believe me it’s a big deal to a young girl), reached out to new friends and made them.  Things were looking up!

Then freaking middle school came…. It’s like starting all over with this esteem crap!  WTH – they take kids from 4 different elementary schools and group them all up in a middle school, starting at the bottom ranks again and risking not having anyone from their previous school, whom they are comfortable with, in their classes!  DUMB!  Let’s completely break any stabilization these kids have, mix them up with a bunch of pre-teen, insecure strangers and teachers and see how they do!

Let me tell you something folks, 12 and 13 are difficult years for kids, male and female.  You have no idea who you are at that point, what you thought you did know is being heavily tested and what your learning from peers and teachers about who you think you’d like to be could be throwing everything off even more. 

I was madly in love with RT (protecting the names of the innocent lol)…. Loved him! Wrote his name on all my pee chee’s, his name, my name, his name + my name, my name with his last name…. the works!  I don’t think he even knew I existed. But that was ok, because I wasn’t going to tell another living soul anyway! 

By 7^th grade I was starting to feel more secure, knew more people, still didn’t know who in the world I was, but I was working on that. 

Summer of 7^th to 8^th grade I met some new neighbors, and they were of color!!!  For whatever reason, I have always been drawn to people of color, and I mean going back to when I was very little.  I wanted Black and Hispanic barbies and baby dolls, I couldn’t stand blond and blue eyed dolls – I would wish my hair was black and my eyes were brown.  I remember asking my mom when I was very young how she would feel if I married a black man – she said, “as long as your happy honey.”  Seemed to have by-passed the marrying part....

So back to the family…. Yaaaahooooo new kids to play with and they aren’t blond and blue eyes!!! Yayayayay!

The W family was incredible, parents were kinda hip, the kids were funny, the youngest daughter had long hair for me to play with AND the oldest son was a cutie patutie!

My friend C (another neighbor) and I quickly befriended these kids and hung out with them all day and as late as possible.  We played outside, we sang songs, MW introduced us to RUN DMC, LL Cool J, Doug E Fresh, the Fat Boys all that – I was in love….

Did I mention that MW was a cutie patutie and I think he liked me too!!!  For the first time since I was little, I felt pretty, I feel desired (not sexually), I felt worth something.  MW was a gentleman,  even at 14 years old.  We would spend hours talking and hanging out - I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I was too scared and worried that maybe he wouldn't like me like that.  After a while MW told me about his crush on  P, another neighbor girl - I was devastated, but he can't - he can't like another girl....I mean, she's probably prettier than I am, skinnier, funnier, all that.....

I was starting to think that being friends is safer then love......