Friday, June 8, 2012

The saga continues...

Let me start this post out by saying some incredibly small minded folks have decided to use the information in this blog to come to a decision of how horrible of a person I am. What they don't realize is that this blog is not all for me - it is for the many women out there who didn't know and/or don't know their self worth. I let myself be mistreated for a very long time (including recently) for some reasons that weren't my fault and some reasons that were my fault. It this blog can help even 1 person, then what I set out to do has been accomplished. I am NOT writing this to show how I've been victimized and therefore am a victim - I am writing this to show other young woman and even older women that they are NOT alone and they don't have to be ashamed of what has happened in their lives, that they can let go and they can move on. If you small minded, pathetic people don't get that and would rather bad mouth me and my experiences - you are only contributing to the very reason women allow themselves to be used, manipulated, abused, blamed and hurt. Get a clue.

Moving on:

At one point I even ended up with Mild dysphasia of the cervix – meaning pre-cancerous cells forming in my cervix. I had to have a biopsy (where they cut, burn or freeze out the cancerous/deformed cells) and have the cells removed. It was embarrassing and painful.

At this point I couldn’t even tell you how many men I had been with, I stopped counting long ago. What I can tell you is no matter how many, what type of man, what we did or how long I was with them – I NEVER found happiness. The “joy” was only temporary – A woman always wants to feel like they are desired and loved, but real desire and love can only come from a man who is fully dedicated to you and YOU ALONE.

Ladies, you will NOT find love, happiness, peace, joy and stability by giving yourself to men outside of a committed, loving relationship. You will NOT. There are no if's, and's or buts about it…. If you give yourself to a man without the true definition of love – you will end up hurt, alone, suffering and miserable every single time. Trust me, I know.

This is Love:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and never fails.

Don’t listen to what society would lead you to believe about one night stands, free love, casual sex, booty calls, homie-lover-friends. It is not true and if you think for one moment about how you felt after you gave yourself to someone undeserving – not how you felt physically, but how you felt emotionally and spiritually – you will find yourself disappointed every time. Even if you convince yourself you should for him, because he's your child's father, or because he did something nice for you, or to keep him around - or ANY reason other than he loves you and ONLY YOU!

I can’t stress this enough – and if you have given yourself to someone undeserving – dust yourself of, remind yourself of what you really want in life and what the Lord wants for you, ask forgiveness and start anew again. (Interestingly enough, I wrote all this before all the stupidity that happened this last week. Ironic.)

All those years I thought I was just fine and these were just the choices I made and if you didn’t like it, oh well.

But you see when you start doing self destructive behavior – that is your psyche and soul telling you that you are NOT fine.

I started gaining a little weight back and at some point I thought of a brilliant idea to take massive amounts of laxatives and just rid my body of all the crap I was putting into it. I honestly didn’t know that this idea was not my own or that it fell in the bulimia world. I knew making yourself vomit did, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to rot out my teeth…. But being sick on a toilet several times a day I was ok with. I would take about 30 laxatives at a time, everyday, sometimes more. At first it wasn’t too bad on my body, but over time I started getting really ill. I was weak, had bad skin coloring and would vomit without making myself. I was dying – slowly killing myself again, just in a different way.

My mom knew and prayed for me constantly, but I was on a path that only God could heal.

In 1992 I got pregnant, but since I was so hard on my body I ended up losing the baby at 13 weeks. It was devastating. I had done so much damage to my body, I wasn’t sure I could even carry a child after this happened.

I was still in stupid relationship after stupid relationship….. And still was with everyone else as well. There were a couple a guys that I was more loyal too, but really I didn’t trust any of them, so why be completely loyal?

There was one time that I was driving to Beaverton with my bf and we got into about something…. He was being shady or something, and I, who never back down from a word fight (not always the best idea) was going off. This fool slapped me across the face as I was driving…. You know I pulled that car over somewhere on Scholl’s Ferry Road
and left his behind there stranded! I couldn’t believe he slapped me! Trippin! Lol

Anyway, shortly after that I found out he had got some girl pregnant and gave her the ring he had got me that I had given back to him…. Tacky. She was a sweet girl though and she and I kept in touch for a while.

Because I was so shady myself with men, there was always drama. As I said before, broken windshields, guns, stalking, threats, chocking, just all dumb. But at the time, that’s how I was living - so even though I knew it was the best idea – it was what it was.

In 1993 I got pregnant with my son Jacob and as soon as I found out – this time all things changed. I couldn’t keep destroying my body as it wasn’t just my body now. I didn’t care if Jacob’s father was around or not, actually I didn’t want him around at that time – we were young, he had a LOT of growing up to do and I no longer wanted to live as I did. All I wanted was a strong healthy baby.

Subjecting myself to Street thinking was no longer an option. My only option was caring for this baby. And that’s what I did. I moved back in with my parents and focused on Jacob. My parents have always been very supportive and loving to me no matter what dumb thing I did or was doing. I mean, they weren’t always happy with me, but I never had to question whether or not they loved me. And they NEVER stopped praying for me.

I isolated myself from all of those that were a part of my previous lifestyle. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to be around them. I held on to a handful of friends who weren’t in that lifestyle. I had quite a bit of support actually, from friends, parents, church friends, etc.

My belief in Christ never wavered, but my behavior did. One thing I can tell you is that even when you give up on yourself, He is always there waiting for you to come back.

For a couple years I dedicated my life and my son’s life to Him. I didn’t see or even talk to a man at all from 5/1994 to 12/1996. I couldn’t, I didn’t trust myself and I sure as heck didn’t trust them.

After awhile though, I got lonely. I had moved into my own place with Jacob and we were…alone. I still had friends, my parents, etc. But I really longed to be loved. But I didn’t know how. All I knew was all (sex) or nothing (no sex). And let’s face it that is how society displays life. If you have a man, you have sex. If you don’t have a man, you have sex. You pretty much just have sex. It’s everywhere, radio, TV, Magazines, billboards…. “Free Love Man” …… Yeah right, nothing is free.

Eventually, I feel back into the same habits, not like it was before. I wanted one man, one commitment, one love. Men, however, did not. I was 25 and there was no man (that I knew of at least) that wanted to settle down with me and a child. I mean some tried, but showed me clues of me not being the only one – or when things got too close; I called it off (intimacy issues). I ran back into Jacob’s father one day, he told me that he missed me and wanted to see his son. He was older and I was ready for him to see Jacob. He came around for a little while, but he was still pretty much in the streets. He spent the night one time – then he vanished. I didn’t know then that he was heavy into drugs and that was his norm. A month later I found out I was pregnant with Jonah. Which was ok, I really wanted another baby; Lord knows I didn’t trust men, so I’ll do this by myself, again.

I went back to not trying to hang out with men, I didn’t want to harm my baby and I didn’t want Jacob to see random people in the house. But again, I was alone. A friend of mine was seeing a guy I went to high school with. I asked him how his brother was doing (who also went to school with us) and he told me to ask him myself.

I started to talking to this man, he was funny, a little shady, but cool. I was 4 months pregnant with Jonah but he didn’t care. He wasn’t driving sex down my throat but would actually come over and just hang out. Don’t get me wrong, he asked – but he didn’t pressure. One night he called me around midnight, totally freaked out because he and his girl had got into a huge fight. He asked me to come pick him up in Vancouver because he was stranded. And since I have to save every floundering fish (Captain Save A Scrub or CSAS)…. I went (I still save every hurt, lost, cute, sad, down and out or what have you animal, it’s an issue! But it’s getting better, I only have 6 cats, 1 fish, 4 raccoons, 1 goose, 1 skunk, several squirrels and chipmunks, the gophers have thinned out and Gartner snakes – which we catch and put in a tank, then call them Ralphy Spaghetti).

I have to laugh now because here was this man, actually a dang fool, hiding in a bush from Lord only knows what…. He jumps in my car, lays the seat back to a laying position and whispers, “drive, drive”! I said, “What in the world did you do???” He said he and his girl got into an argument and he grabbed her car keys and car then hid the keys in the bushes so she couldn’t leave the house…. Ahhhhhhhh, and that was hurting her how? He didn’t quite know, but he knew it would make her mad…..

Good grief. He and I kept a pretty good friendship, it was generally me bailing him out of ridiculous situations like above, but nothing where me or my kids where at risk – just him being young and stupid. **note to self and others – although he and I have a good relationship now – there were years of turmoil, stress, rage, drama, jail, DV, all of that.

If you meet someone who you have to bail out – for any reason – RUN. He may not be doing whatever it is he’s doing to you now – but he will, in time.

Don’t fall for the poor me, I’m a victim crap. 9 times out of 10 – it is BS! Here are some examples:
I have a mean girlfriend who’s crazy. LIE (and yes, they do all say that)
I have to live with my baby momma because she’s not a good parent and I don’t want to leave my kid with her. LIE
I can’t leave her because she’s crazy and will do something to hurt me or you, LIE
I just live there, we don’t sleep together. LIE
I love you, I just need time to clear things up, straighten things up, stabilize, blah, blah, blah. LIE
If this man is truly into you, truly loves you, truly wants you – there would be NO OTHER WOMAN, GIRL, BABY MAMA or whatever– for any reason. PERIOD.

A real man would not keep a relationship with someone and work on a new one at the same time. PERIOD

A real man does not have to hide his phone, hide his home, hide his family, and hide his kids. In a mutual loving, trusting and committed relationship – there are no secrets and there are no “others”. PERIOD

Ladies, do NOT let a man convince you that you are crazy because you react to injustices. Your mind and bodies are made to react to danger. It's called fight or flight. You are NOT wrong for feeling, you are not wrong for having emotions and you are not wrong for reacting. How you react is within your control and that is what you are responsible for, not for the feeling of emotions of fight or flight.

Men, if you're bringing on serious emotional reactions out of women and then blaming them for having an emotional reaction..... think about why they are reacting. If you are, at any time, saying that she is crazy - YOU are the problem. A real man would would not just place all the blame on you, he would see how you both contributed to the situation -and work it out from there.

Cross references:

Friday, April 27, 2012

Trying to Grow Up

Monday came and I went to school. S saw me in the hall way and said Hi but I ignored him. I didn’t want to even look at him or his cousin – but there we all were in center all. I’m guessing they assumed I would just be ok with the situation that night – but then again why was it a sneak attack. Later that day, S came up to me and said, “What’s your problem?” What was my problem, is he serious? So is this just how things go down, you jump me and I’m supposed to be fine with it? After a while, I just had to let it go – I wasn’t going to escape him, I wasn’t going to escape what happened and I couldn’t fix it either. So, ignore I did.

When you’re young, and heck, even when you’re old sometimes – you don’t realize how things impact your life. You think to yourself, why am I doing this or that – why do I make the decisions that I do. You don’t want to make these unhealthy, unwise decisions- but you do anyway.

I stayed celibate for quite a while after that. I didn’t trust men, I didn’t trust myself. I got more involved with my youth group and became really good friends with the teens there. We hung out, we talked, we went to camp, we went to Sunday school and Wednesday night youth group. It felt good. I started watching my calories and lost 40 pounds as well.

After I graduated, I got a job at Farrell’s and Fred Meyer. I was still celibate but was getting a lot of attention from men. I really didn’t know what to do what all that attention. I tried to go to Community College, but I didn’t really want to be there and I wasn’t committed, so I dropped out. My poor parents, I put them through so much.

Now that I was an adult, there were no more youth group, friends went off to college and I was left with way too much free time and only work to do.

So, I was seeing a few guys – no sex – I was too scared. Yet these guys played the same games with me even without it. They a) talked about it non stop b) I would find out later they were already seeing someone else or had a girlfriend c) were immature little boys. Don’t get me wrong – I had a couple really nice boyfriends, who were kind, caring, gentlemen – and I could barely stand them! Again, trauma impacts you in ways that you don’t realize for many years.

I eventually feel back into the same trap of needing to be loved but seeing my self worth as only good for sex. Some of these guys I liked a lot and I often would have liked to be someone’s girlfriend, but, and I’m going to say that straight for what it’s worth – If a woman gives a man all they have of themselves without barely knowing them or having a committed relationship – the man will treat you as a playtoy. There is no loyalty, there is no love, there is no trust – it is only sex. Women often try to convince themselves that this lust is love because we need and want to be loved and wanted so desperately.

I ended up having a boyfriend named D – at first he was cool about the no sex thing. But that didn’t last long and because he was my actual boyfriend I gave into him. 2 weeks later I discovered I had a STD. Great. I removed myself from that “relationship”. Unfortunately, that one time gave into lots of times. Girls – It’s always easier to say NO, if you have never said YES.

Without really knowing it then – I hated men and I hated myself even more. I suddenly had this revelation that I was going to screw over as many men as I could get away with. And at 19, it seemed logical.

I had anywhere from 2 to 6 boyfriends at the same time, not including the ones that I just was with for one night.

I would go cruising downtown, or up and down 15^th and MLK looking for men to add to my conquest. I’d be out with my girls, see a cute guy, tell them to get into the car and that would be that. Sometimes we would go to their house, or their friends’ house or a hotel. Almost every time I would take a man to a house – I would leave in the middle of the night stranding them where ever we were. I mean, that’s what they get right?

There were a few men that I really like and I was more dedicated to them, but I still was with all the others as well. Most of the guys that were one nighters, (only term I can think of) I never even knew their name, I’m sure they told me it but I didn’t bother to remember. I didn’t ask them any questions; I didn’t know what they were about, where they lived, where they worked, nothing. The less I knew the better.

Didn’t I get busted you ask? Yes I did. I got choked once, had a rock thrown at my windshield and shattered it, threatened to be killed several times, stalked, stolen from, cheated on, a gang tattoo and left at a hotel myself – naked and alone missing money and lucky my car was a stick or it would have been gone too (I was informed of this later in life).

Since I still struggle with my feelings toward men – I don’t feel too guilty for the behavior against them. But, I feel absolutely terrible about what I did to my friends.

I had wonderful friends, loyal, trust worthy, loving and would do anything for me. However, since my mind was so screwed up with trauma I ended up hurting them the most. I would intentionally try to get their boyfriends attention and once I did, I slept with them. Not everyone, but there were many. I was underhanded, sneaky and callous. I was well on my way to becoming a person who truly was - unlovable.

To all my friends whom I did that too (I know you know who you are), I am so very sorry. It was inexcusable, please forgive me.

This type of behavior is no different then self mutilation, the same with drugs and alcohol. Any type of destructive, habitual behavior is self mutilation. Inside you don’t feel worthy of life – so although you don’t commit suicide, you are slowly killing yourself.

I didn’t care who I was with, if it was dangerous or if I was safe. I was shot at (many times), threatened (many times), in drive bys, in drug deals, in many car accidents – I was anywhere that I shouldn’t be.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Aftermath

Rape is an interesting situation. The victim feels they put themselves in the situation and therefore should have or could have prevented it happening – then meaning it was their fault it happened in the first place. It skews your understanding of relationships and trust. It makes you second guess those who say they care about you and what their actual objectives are. It makes having a healthy relationship almost impossible to have. And for many of us , we end up reliving the experience over and over and over trying to fix what happened, take back what was ours, regain some control over it – but what it really does it take more from you, creates lower self esteem and self worth, subjects yourself to abusive relationships and/or inappropriate relationships. We are subjected to unprotected sex, disease, illness, pregnancies (alone) and so many more things that, HONESTLY, you are not even aware is happening until one day you realize that something just isn’t right.

After MA I felt so odd…. I was pretty sure that I did not ever agree to do what happened, but I clearly didn’t stop it well enough for it to not happen – so I deserved it right? I allowed this to happen, I lied and said I had sex before, I never discussed with him about whether I was willing to have sex with him therefore not making it clear ahead of time, and besides I was dressed nice and lotioned nice – I must have actually wanted it to happen, I guess.

MA and I kept a friendly relationship after the incident; he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and made that abundantly clear, not rudely – just known. He was more than willing to be my friend and of course, continue having sex with me. I remember thinking I needed to have some sort of relationship with this guy, I mean he did take my virginity, and since I didn’t know any better and now believing that girls/women were really only good for a few things (cooking, cleaning, comforting and sex) – I would take the friendship with sex.

I did hurt that he didn’t love me like I was told how sex was supposed to be and that he didn’t want me as his girlfriend. But I played it off like it was no big deal. I can handle this, I can handle anything. Besides, I basically asked for it anyway, right?

Of course MA told several people about the incident and suddenly I was becoming quite popular among the boys. Now several boys were asking for my number, talking to me in the halls and wanting to hang out with me. For several months I really thought it was just because they just didn’t notice me before and now knew that I was a pretty chill girl. But more and more the conversations would end up being about sex. Reinforcing my understanding of what a woman, and especially me, was worth. So I guess, this is what I’m supposed to do? But my friends weren’t doing this, unless they had a boyfriend, but even then most of my friends were still virgins – or just hadn’t disclosed not being a virgin.

I started having sex with MA more often and he wanted to share me with others. It was an odd feeling of power at first – a delusion of being desired and wanted – every woman wants to be desired and wanted! Yet, it always ended in shame and loneliness. It was a temporary fix to a fragile self esteem that in reality only drained it more.

Don’t get me wrong, MA was actually a nice guy. There was no such thing as date rape back then. If you were raped it was by a stranger or if it was by someone you knew there was a weapon of sorts involved. I think MA was just lead by his hormones and was also lead to believe that if a woman doesn’t get up and leave or physically push you off – even if she is saying no – it must mean yes. What he didn’t realize is that many times a woman just gives in to the aggressor because they think it will be less trauma and drama then if they don’t give it up.

Of course, after having these sexual encounters (none of which were enjoyable I assure you, I didn’t even know a woman climaxed until I was 22 years old) you get the dreaded “reputation”. I mean dang, you do what you think is expected of you and then you get called a slut too. But I had great friends, who didn’t know about what really happened between MA and myself, but who were very supportive and loving to me no matter what the rumors out there were.

My sophomore year I was dating a nice guy, but my perception of healthy relationships was so jacked up I ended up doing him wrong. I had the hots for another guy and the opportunity to get with him came up. I actually thought he would want me for more than sex (naive), so I left the party I was at with my boyfriend to go with this other guy. We walked to Fernwood School and had sex behind the dumpsters. Yeah, real classy. We went back to the party and I will never forget the look on my boyfriends face – but what did I care really, all men were users in the long run anyway, right? I brushed off my boyfriend and acted like I didn’t care, but I did. Of course the new guy only wanted me for sex (surprise, surprise). He and I became friends – what I would continue to do to guys that I had sex with – become friends, sometimes with sex, but most without. After years of this I felt more comfortable just as friends – no jealously, no expectations, no hurting, no pain.

I trusted this friend of mine (we talked daily, we didn’t have sex, he was really my friend only) and he and I planned to go to the “Depoe” – y’all 80’s kids know what I mean! S (the friend) came and picked me up from my house. He told me that he had to pick up something from his cousin’s house first. We drove to his cousin’s house and I was going to wait in the car, but he wanted me to come in instead. I went in the house and sat on the couch… what in the world was taking so long here. S finally appeared in the living room and asked me to come upstairs. I asked why and he said I need to talk to you. Ahhhh ok, so I went upstairs. It was pitch black, no light at all. I was giggling up the stairs and tripping up each step, “S, I can’t see!” I said. He told me he would turn the light on once we got up stairs. When we were up there, he sat me on the bed and felt around for a light switch. He said he couldn’t find it. Then he sat next to me. We were just talking but I heard all this racket coming up the stairs, I said, “What is that noise, who’s coming up here?” S said it was just the wind blowing the posters in the room and to not worry about it. S reached over and started kissing me; I thought it was strange and a little out the norm so I asked him what he was doing. He just told me to hush. Suddenly, there were several bodies on me, holding me down, pulling off my skirt and undies, I was screaming to stop, pushing and shoving them as hard as I could but I couldn’t get them off. I assumed it was all the boys in the house (S plus 2 cousins). After struggling for what seemed like forever, they let me go. I heard running down the stairs as I tried to get my clothes back on and get myself together. I wondered down the stairs and only saw 1 of the 3 boys in the house. It was one that I didn’t know and wasn’t sure if he was involved in what just happened. I asked him where S went (I was stuck there at this house and didn’t really know where I was). He said he and the other cousin left. I asked what I was supposed to do now? I had no way home; I sure as heck wasn’t calling my parents! The cousin gave me a dollar and told me to catch the bus. I asked him where I was and where to catch the bus.

It was 1am in the morning and I was on 15^th and Dekum (back then it wasn’t in a white girls best interest to be alone on the corner of 15^th and Dekum just standing there. I walked to the bus stop and waited for a bus. I hid in the little church that’s on the corner there, scared out of my mind at what else could happen. Finally a bus came going the opposite direction of where I needed to go. I flagged it down and told him that something bad happened to me, all I had was a dollar and I needed to get home. The bus driver told me to get on the bus because no more busses were coming the other way. He told me he would take me along to finish his route then drive me home. That nice bus driver drove me all the way to 33^rd and Broadway from the end of his route in St. Johns. I will never forget him.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

First Time

2/14/12

At the end of the day, Tami had an answer – He liked me, well ok, he said he didn’t know me, but would like to…. Wooooo hooooo!

I could hardly believe it, he was interested in me? Me???? Wow! Ok, ok, get your bearings, I thought. But, now what in the world do I do with this information? Does he call me (no cell phones in those days kids), do I call him, do I write him a note (we did a lot of note writing before texting was around kids)? Tami gave him my number and he called me that night.

We talked about our lives, who we lived with, who are friends were, all that stuff. I remember being kinda shy, but he was easy to talk to so that passed fast. He seemed like such a nice guy, sweet, funny, nice family, polite, cute J…….

He asked me if I had ever had sex, I wasn’t quite sure what to say. When MW and I talked about it, I had said that I wanted to wait until I was married – I really wasn’t interested in sex at all…. I like boys, and that was about it… liked them, holding hands, maybe a small kiss – nothing else.

I told MA that I had sex before, I guess so I didn’t feel like such a little twerp girl. So dumb, there is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin. As a matter of fact, it’s a great thing! But I said I wasn’t L

MA and I talked on the phone every night, we talked at school, we wrote notes – he told me about his “ex”girlfriend LR (whom I’m pretty sure hates me to this day, lol). He said that they had broken up, but she still liked him. Me, being naïve, was like… oh, ok (later on that would prove to be an issue….)

MA asked if he could come over some time, I asked my parents and they said yes. I wasn’t allowed to have boys in my room so we hung out in the family room, me, MA, my mom and dad…. Funny when I think about it now.

For whatever reason, my parents wanted to go get ice-cream and asked if we wanted to go, we said no, we’d just say there.

My parents left and MA and I watched videos on BET with Donnie Simpson J

MA asked if I wanted to make out… ahhhh, “sure” I said…. But inside I’m thinking, OH CRAP! Make out? I’ve never made out, I don’t know how to make out! I’ve never even had my first real kiss (unless you count the kiss I stole from a neighbor boy when I was 5).

MA sat very close to me on the daybed type couch we had….. Full force was playing on BET… omg, omg, omg, my heart is racing, he’s touching me, kissing me…. What do I do?

MA asked if we could “do it”.

I said, “no, I’m not ready”.

“But you’ve done it before”, he said.

I said, “I’m still not ready.”

He took off my top and I thought, ok I think I can handle this.

He tried to take off my pants and I told him no. He said that he wasn’t going to do anything, only take them off. So I let him.

He tried to take of my underwear and I said no, but he kept trying, I kept saying no.

He kept telling me it would be ok, and I kept saying no.

I didn’t want to do this anymore, I wasn’t ready. I liked him, I really liked him. Why is he pushing me like this? I thought he really liked me too?

Eventually, he just took it. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t ready. It didn’t matter that I said no. It didn’t matter that it hurt so bad. All that mattered was that he got what he wanted.

He jumped up afterwards and saw all the blood. I just wanted him to leave. I felt dirty, ashamed, embarrassed, and awkward. My God, I was only 15. It was my very first kiss, which was exciting – that led to my first time, which was stolen.

See Satan does that to you, he steals your innocence and then blames it on you. That’s where shame comes in – This was not my fault, but for years to come I would think it was.

I put on my clothes, tried to clean up the blood and he left.

My parents came home about a half hour later. I was just quiet.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Crushes

Man, I couldn't stand P, stupid P stealing the attention of my guy and to top it off, I heard she had been caught making out with some kid under the big tree by the Catholic Church/School up the street. Sheesh. I still talked to MW everyday, in my own way trying to swoon him toward me, but having no idea how. None the less, I enjoyed my time with him. Eventually, the family moved but I still would go over and visit them on a regular basis and I still loved MW, but didn't do anything to move it along. The fear of a possible rejection was too overwhelming of a thought. I mean we snuggled, talked, and hung out - but no commitment.

My 8^th grade year was good, I had great friends, felt a little more secure about myself and felt like I was becoming who I should be. I got the "Nicest Girl" title in the yearbook - I felt good about that, even though I was hardly the nicest girl, lol J

Then high school, holy crapoly, the mother-load of insecurity, drama, fears, peer pressure, status, clothes, shoes, accessories and more! Oh yeah, and then there are classes as well, teachers and all that jazz. Grant was cool as you got to go pick your classes a couple days before school started, you could select the teacher and the period you wanted as long as there was room in the class. Unfortunately, being the independent joker I am, I went alone (although I did meet up with a couple friends there) I did all the picking by myself. I assumed my friends would pick 2^nd lunch (I mean hello why in the world would you want 1^st lunch and have a long afternoon), but alas - they did not and now I was scrambling to find someone to eat lunch with on the first day!!! I couldn't eat lunch by myself, that's like screaming LOOOOOSSSSER. I made frantic calls to folks who I knew from softball that already went to Grant and said.. Please hang with me at lunch time on the first day! One agreed, begrudgingly I'm sure as she was a Sophomore and I was a lowly Freshman.

The first day was scary as heck. OMG look at all these kids!!!! But hey, there was a LOT more diversity then Gregory Heights, and I loved that. People of all colors - my kinda joint I thought.

I had NONE of my middle schools friends in any of my classes. See Gregory Heights kids were split between Madison (where the majority of them went) and Grant (where a lot of my good friends were going but much fewer in numbers). But again, none of my friends were in any of my classes! Man I just can't catch a break! The first week was tough, but I did make new friends fast and my very bestest friend was Tabby - Loved her - they called us the bopsy twins - believe me, she was the smart one!

More good news, my dad had found a stable job with CUB Foods and my mom started working for Calvary Presbyterian as an Admin Assistant/Associate to the Pastor. Dad became a Deacon and we were very involved in the church.

Christianity was important to me, we became Christians when I was in the 4^th grade, before that my parents were actually very liberal. I felt good knowing that God was in my conner and had my back! We went to a big church downtown and for the most part I liked it.. With the exception of the snotty girls that went there, well one in particular snotty girl (remember the one that told me I had ugly toes, yep her). Stinking, stanking KF! She got all the lead roles in the Children's plays and musicals, every dang time! I mean really? All the countless hours I listened to Barbara Streisand and Cat Stevenson in my room on my little plastic record player, sitting on a stool with my hairbrush as a microphone WAISTED...

Anyway, highschool.... I have mixed feelings about those memories.. most good and some really bad. I'm sure that's typical for most people.

My freshman year was really fun once I felt comfortable with my new friends and the school style, etc. MW was there too, but it wasn't the same anymore. I still had feelings for him, but the competition at school was too much for me to compete with. I don't like competing, you either like me - or you don't. I am not going to compete for your affection (that's the princess in me I guess).

Soon I had a new crush... a tall dark skinned fella with a Jeri-Curl like Ready 4 the World... wooo hoooo! Now what was I going to do, I'm used to boys being my friend, my "homie", my pal - not a prospective boyfriend. Boyfriend.. Eeesh makes me shutter to this day just thinking the word.

I had a friend who was friends with MA (my crush) and I told her about my predicament. She said the classic, "do you want me to tell him?"...ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhh, panic time - I don't know if I want him to know, what if he laughs and thinks, yeah right! But then if I don't, what if he would like me? Ok, ok, "Yes, tell him and let me know what he says". Holy cow the anticipation of that day! I was on pins and needles. will he, won't he, will he, won't he?

To be cont.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Fragile Self Esteem

I always thought I was fat growing up….. Now that I’m older I realize I really wasn’t fat, I was just bigger than most of the other girls in my class and that’s because I was older (I took first grade twice since I cheated my way through the first year of first grade…oops).

Fascinating really, I was the type of kid who was very independent, extremely self assured and ready to take on the world…. Then I went to school. All the work that my parents put into me to be proud of myself, who I was, what I was, all I was in every way – mattered not once enrolled into school. Kindergarten seemed fine….but 1^st grade and up is a trial on a young woman’s life.

**Key Note – Parents, ask you kids everyday how their day was and pry for more if you only get “fine”. Ask what good happened, what upsetting happened, what they learned, what they wish they would have or could have learned etc. Get to know them on their level. Talk though tough situations with them, advise them on how to handle it when and/or if it happens again. They may say, “Mom/Dad I know”…. Or “that won’t work”, but trust me when I tell you that they will remember and they will use those skills you are teaching them. Remind them of how beautiful and special they are, talk about their talents, what you admire about them, what you’ve been told by others about what they admire about them. Take the time to listen…. Yes, even when they are only 5 and 6 – they still have these feelings and thoughts. J

So, here I go to school, all jazzed up and ready to take on the world. I was used to things coming pretty easy to me so the second I had to stop and think and, God forbid, memorize something…. on top of the self esteem being tested, things got tough. I struggled through school, passing yes, but barely. I wouldn’t let my parents help me with homework (being too independent) and I hurt inside thinking I was fat, I wasn’t as pretty as the other girls, I had ugly toes (yes a girl told me that and I STILL remember it).

My mom and dad lost a business around that same time so we were pretty poor as well – not fun. I often wore hand-me-down clothes either from my cousins or from the Goodwill. Ya know, I don’t remember that really being an issue, I was happy to get the clothes – I only remember not being “as good” as the other kids.

I soon learned that humor helped in many situations, risk being silly and foolish and not care what someone thinks of you. I still hurt on the inside, but at least I was learning how to deal on the outside.

In 5^th grade I started exerting some of my new found strength on occasion, testing it out if you will…. Standing up for the little guy to some bullies, snapping back to the popular girl when she snapped at me (seems trivial, but believe me it’s a big deal to a young girl), reached out to new friends and made them. Things were looking up!

Then freaking middle school came…. It’s like starting all over with this esteem crap! WTH – they take kids from 4 different elementary schools and group them all up in a middle school, starting at the bottom ranks again and risking not having anyone from their previous school, whom they are comfortable with, in their classes! DUMB! Let’s completely break any stabilization these kids have, mix them up with a bunch of pre-teen, insecure strangers and teachers and see how they do!

Let me tell you something folks, 12 and 13 are difficult years for kids, male and female. You have no idea who you are at that point, what you thought you did know is being heavily tested and what your learning from peers and teachers about who you think you’d like to be could be throwing everything off even more.

I was madly in love with RT (protecting the names of the innocent lol)…. Loved him! Wrote his name on all my pee chee’s, his name, my name, his name + my name, my name with his last name…. the works! I don’t think he even knew I existed. But that was ok, because I wasn’t going to tell another living soul anyway!

By 7^th grade I was starting to feel more secure, knew more people, still didn’t know who in the world I was, but I was working on that.

Summer of 7^th to 8^th grade I met some new neighbors, and they were of color!!! For whatever reason, I have always been drawn to people of color, and I mean going back to when I was very little. I wanted Black and Hispanic barbies and baby dolls, I couldn’t stand blond and blue eyed dolls – I would wish my hair was black and my eyes were brown. I remember asking my mom when I was very young how she would feel if I married a black man – she said, “as long as your happy honey.” Seemed to have by-passed the marrying part....

So back to the family…. Yaaaahooooo new kids to play with and they aren’t blond and blue eyes!!! Yayayayay!

The W family was incredible, parents were kinda hip, the kids were funny, the youngest daughter had long hair for me to play with AND the oldest son was a cutie patutie!

My friend C (another neighbor) and I quickly befriended these kids and hung out with them all day and as late as possible. We played outside, we sang songs, MW introduced us to RUN DMC, LL Cool J, Doug E Fresh, the Fat Boys all that – I was in love….

Did I mention that MW was a cutie patutie and I think he liked me too!!! For the first time since I was little, I felt pretty, I feel desired (not sexually), I felt worth something. MW was a gentleman, even at 14 years old. We would spend hours talking and hanging out - I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I was too scared and worried that maybe he wouldn't like me like that. After a while MW told me about his crush on P, another neighbor girl - I was devastated, but he can't - he can't like another girl....I mean, she's probably prettier than I am, skinnier, funnier, all that.....

I was starting to think that being friends is safer then love......

Monday, January 16, 2012

They say to start a story from the beginning..... I think that task would be a bit much for me so I will start from today with past details as they arise.

I am currently a mom of 2 teen boys, 1 pre-teen boy and a baby girl. I also have an "extra" teen boy who lives with us- he is an added member to our family. Yep, that would be 4 boys and 1 girl - very busy house :)

I'm 40 years old and work for the Government - Yes, it is a good job, but contrary to popular belief - we don't make squat. We do have good benefits which is what keeps most of us where we are..... that and the current economic situation. If you want to complain about government workers making too much $ - please point those fingers at the powers that be and not at us the little folks in the field.

I'm an only child of 2 very loving parents. My father passed away in 2002 and my mother remarried in 2006.
My parents were married young, which was the norm in that day (1960's) and tried for many years to have a child... I finally decided to come along 7 years later - typical of me to come on my own time and not on another's expectations. lol
My mom and dad loved me with all their might and put me above all else.... even when they really shouldn't have. I honest to God thought their entire existence was to serve as parents to my life..... Boy was it a rude awakening to find out otherwise! Heck I'm still struggling with that!

I have a lot of family, whom I really don't know well. So odd really. I have 2 uncles, 4 aunts, 10 cousins and 13 second cousins (or cousins once removed). All my grandparents have passed with the exception of my mom's mother. We don't communicate with her though, which is sad, but she was extremely abusive to my mom as a child and has not taken ownership or asked for forgiveness to this day. I forgive her for what she did to my mom, but I can't be around someone who could be so cruel yet have no remorse.
One side of my family is very Yuppie/Well to do, and I really can't relate to them at all. The other side is more hillbilly and down home - now them there is my kinda peeps. I am not pretentious at all - I don't care how much money I ever have, I will still go to the dollar store, still get big gulps and still rather have a down home buffet/potluck dinner with the ones I love than a sit down at a nice table with a 5 course meal and china plates ANY DAY. I don't drink normally, but if I had a choice of wines.... I'd pick a Boones over a Monet (I only even now the name Monet because a co-worker told me about it)!
I do love all my family, however, and really wish we were closer.

I am a born again Christian, and I struggle daily to be a decent person. Many people think you have to be perfect to call yourself a Christian - fact is there was only ONE decent and worthy person of being a Christian and His name is Jesus. The rest of us need only to try to be Christ like with his love, mercy and grace.

I am FAR from a perfect Christian, but I am a perfect example of His love, mercy and grace. I will NOT preach to you or at you - I will simply try to display HIS love through my actions and life as much as I can. I will also fail at this at times and I ask for your forgiveness before hand. :)

So, you noticed there is no mention of a husband or boyfriend? Well, that's because there isn't one to mention. I've never been married and my committed relationships have been few and far between. I think I would like to be married one day..... but it's very scary to me and I'm not holding my breath. I can't blame men (although I usually do) for this issue, I know that once I am healed, I will be able to love and moreover be loved.

Which brings me to why I am starting this blog. My hope is to strike a cord with young women in particular - to show them that they are more than their bodies, than their looks, more than what their bodies are capable of doing sexually.

I will try to post often as this is just as therapeutic for me as I hope it is for others.

XO
Melanie

The Wonderful World of a Former Hoochie Mama